Friday, 19 November 2004
The Search for Willpower
Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't off program. I knew this dinner at a friend's was coming up and that there would be yummy, tempting snackies there, so I saved my WPA's [Weekly Points Allowance*] all week. That's not what bothers me. The problem is that I couldn't seem to enjoy them in moderation. My friend had thoughtfully put out some raw veggies and grapes, in addition to the cheeses and dip, so I had healthy alternatives available. But there was this blue-cheese-and-roasted-pecan cheese spread that practically made me swoon (not to mention the big hunk of brie). I didn't want to savor a little of that spread on my broccoli floweret. I wanted to take it into a corner by myself, with a spoon. I didn't, because of social pressures, but if I had been alone, I swear I would have polished it off and licked the bowl.
The thing that worries me is what this means for my "lifetime" success. This gluttonous response to some foods is part of what made me fat, and it doesn't seem to have changed. Oh, sure, I don't have to let them into my house, but I can't avoid encountering these rich foods forever; they're out there, and sometimes I will be faced with them. I hate the idea of never enjoying them at all, but will I ever be satisfied with just a taste? Or will this always be a struggle for me?
This time I was able to do a controlled binge. I planned for it and counted the points afterward. It's just that I'm not comfortable about that out-of-control feeling I had, as if I were powerless to stop going back for more, when I wanted to. Ideally, I'd like to be able to enjoy --really savor-- a small amount of something yummy like that, and then STOP. If I could just figure out WHY that's so hard for me, maybe I could change my pattern.
*On Weight Watchers? Flex Plan, foods are assigned a point value based on their calorie, fat, and fiber content. You have a daily points target, plus a "Weekly Points Allowance" which you can use all at once, or throughout the week.
Posted by whaledancer at 12:01 AM PST
Updated: Wednesday, 8 June 2005 8:42 PM PDT
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